Husband Wife Jokes

Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!


Angry wife to her husband on Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I 'm in the Pub Just Next To That Shop.

A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

Husband was seriously ill
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don't discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don't demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive.

An intelligent wife
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"

New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"

The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..

Wife treats husband
A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him

Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local

Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again?

The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..

Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."

Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday.

Cool message by a wife
Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement".

Sweet demand by kid
A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can't adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own.

Lion bounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..

Throwing knives on wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives on wife's picture. All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING U"
I will think about it

When a married man says "I'll think about it",

What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..

Habit of talking in sleep
A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what should i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak when he's awake.

Part & Art of living
Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.

Head & Neck of the family
It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the Neck of the family & the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

I look at your picture and the problem disappears
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

Wife: honey what r u looking 4?
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date

Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
Without Information, Fighting Every time!

WIFE says: No darling, it means:
With Idiot For Ever

Wife wish 2 be a newspaper
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.

Can I make a call to my wife?
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

Husband, wife & spare tyre
HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further

Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE....

Similarity between chewing gum & begum
Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and chipku in the eNd...

WIFE IS DANGEROUS
LOVE IS LIFE
LIFE IS WIFE
WIFE IS KNIFE and
KNIFE IS DANGEROUS

Too late for garbage
Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?

Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.

What if you don't see me for 2 days?
A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn't believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn't see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?
Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"

Why women starts with W
You know why women starts with 'W'...
because all questions start with "W".. !
Who ?
Why ?
What ?
When ?
Which ?
Whom ?
Where ?
&
Finally Wife..!!!

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife,
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Difference between Friend & Wife
U can Tell ur Friend "U r my Best Friend"
But Do u have courage to tell to ur Wife "U r my Best Wife?"

Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!

Recently fired stock trader
A recently fired stock trader said ...
"This is worse than divorce... I have lost everything and I still have my wife..."

Message of the year
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!

Husband to a newly wed wife
Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.

Why did u shoot ur wife?
Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!

Deviance.. Family Fun!!!!

"Mom, I've decided to get married."

The Seshadhris were only too ecstatic to here these words pop out of their elder son's mouth, yet afraid at the the same time. After all, their son did study in the United States for 3 years. And from what they heard from their neighbours, the States "do things" to perfectly normal sons. What if he wanted to marry a white girl? The blasphemy! How would they ever explain to their relatives?

"Indian no?", Mrs.Seshadhri asked, nervously.

"Iyengar...."

"Oh thank god! Chamathu da nee. We'll see the girl tomorrow!And I'll have to call all our relatives to inform them. Ha! First I'll call your aththai. Her son went to the states and ended up with one of those...punjabi a? Ya, punjabi-o ennavo. But my son? Chamatha Iyengar ponnu paathutaan.""Amma..."

"What? I know I'm getting excited but its not everyday your son gets married! First ponnu paakanum. Give me her address."

"I can't give the girl's address."

"Why not? " interrupted Mr.Seshadhri. "Is it because they don't know? Its okay, we'll convince them""No, its because there is no girl""Ennada solra?" chorused the parents.
"I am in love with an Iyengar, yes. But its not a girl. Its a boy"
Silence.

"Is this some kind of TV show? Is some shanniyan going to come with a camera and say all this is some joke? I know! Vijay TV-la Simbhu is doing something like this. He's going to come now, isn't he?""No mom, nobody's behind your almirah. This is real. I want to get married to him and him only""This is not normal, you know that?""Appa, who're you to say that it's not normal? How do you know that it isn't normal? I want to get married to him and that's the end of it" and he stormed out of the room.

The Seshadhris were appalled, and did what any other parents would do when presented with such a private confession. They called the entire family over to discuss it.Mamas, Mamis, Thathas, Paatis, Chithappas, Chiththis, Aththais, Athimbers, Perippas, Perimmas and a motley crew of cousins promptly assembled to exchange their views over filter coffee and masala vadais.

"Enna kodumai Seshadri idhu""This is not the time to joke, its a very serious issue pa. Namma community-la this is just not done""Are you sure about this? I mean was he joking?""Will anybody joke about things like this? Avan serious-a dhaan irukaan. He's gay.""Amma Amma, what's a gay?" interrupted 6 year old Achu, loudly. Silence."Sshhh, Achu. Go play outside with Kichu." said his visibly embarassed mother.Achu promptly ran outside hollering KICHU! GAY-NA BAD WORD DA!"Kids""Yea. I'm hoping he gets a girlfriend soon.""Shree, he's 6""The earlier the better. And I'm so not sending him to the US""Not everyone turns out like that. My son married a perfectly nice girl. Enna, she's punjabi. But very nice girl.""You know she has a beard, right?""Oh please! At least she's a girl.""Enough enough. This is not about her daughter-in-law's beard. Idhu konjam serious-aana matter.""Yes yes. There are so many fundamental complications""Like if this marriage does go on, who gets to be the Maapla veedu?""Chechu make it clear to them that we will be the groom's house. We will demand our rights""Hey, who gets to tie the thaali?""Will there even be a thaali?""Maybe they'll tie a golden poonal around him""One more doubt. The girl usually sits on her father lap when they tie the thaali. Does this mean that the son sits on his mothers lap? How does that work exactly?""Yea! And then usually the girl wears that special koora-podavai before she ties the knot. Do we have to get this guy a koora-veshti?""Atleast you'll save on all those silk sarees.""And that Mehndi thing. Unless your son wants it, ofcourse""Hahahaha! Thats so g...nothing" '

An uncomfortable silence followed, but was swiftly interrupted by the Periappa.

"Come to think of it, that golden poonal will weigh a lot""Does your future...err son-in-law cook?""Aiyo! Don't call him son-in-law! I don't even want this to happen!""Maybe you should do that. Vidaatha. Then he'll come around""No way, then he'd elope. Odi poyiduvaan!""Thats not good for the family name.""Thu! As if marrying a boy is very honourable.""And besides, eloping-na, usually the girl runs away, gets a baby and then only gets accepted back in the household. This is how it is in all tamil padams""Ok, but how the heck are these guys going to get a baby?""My point exactly, so they won't elope""Which is worse. What if they get together like those villains in Vettaiyaadu Villaiyaadu?""Aiyo! That's a movie about homosexual psychopaths! You're son is too sensitive for that. He cried in the climax of Kabhi Khushi Kahi Gham, for heaven's sake!."Appove we should have noticed...""You think there's some kind of homeopathy treatment for this? Or Ayurveda? Some kashayam or something?""No no, its a state of mind. No kashayam can cure it""Or should we send him to a psychiatrist?""Illa. Those psyciatrists are Peter parties. They'll end up brainwashing us about how we are educated and must accept him the way he is""Adhaan pannanum" said Mr.Seshadhri, finally.The entire household went mute."You mean...we have to get him married? To that...that boy?""Yes""Only then, he'll be happy.""Aiyo sentiment thaangamudila""My decision is final. I'll go call him and find that other boy's number. I have plenty to talk to his parents."

The household watched him go with a rather stern resolve in absolute silence. The only sound was the jowku-jowku of Paati eating Vadai.
"Enna paati? What do you think?" said one of the cousins, finally breaking yet another uncomfortable silence.
"Ennadhaan payyana love pannaalum, atleast Iyengar payyana paathu love pannane, adhuve porum"
[Note: Taken from a fwd mail....]

Family Problems !!!!!! | Love Marriages | Confused Family | Problematic Family

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.

We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, " Talking about love marriages?... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.. !!!